I don’t know what I want out of life.
I realize this as I skim old blog posts and journal entries, making a long list of projects left undone.
First, I have to say three nice things about myself:
 I’ve completed the Greek mythology workbook I thought should exist. I did it alone, with little overview or assistance before publication.
 I’ve stood up for my reproductive rights, even when it wasn’t easy. It doesn’t make everyone comfortable, but it makes me feel good about myself.
 I’ve opened an online shop, and I’ve made sales. It’s more complicated than I’d imagined, but also more satisfying than I’d realized it would be.
Okay, now I can be rough. Do you know how many things I want to try/do/be when I “grow up”?
 I want to be a High Priestess. I want to teach others and be inspired by their journey along a path I sometimes forget I’m walking.
 I want to be a mother. It’s very much like being a High Priestess, but with a steeper learning curve and longer hours.
 I want to publish a story. Poetry and workbooks aside, I’ve avoided writing anything for years out of a sick, twisted fear of failure.
 I want to be a professional blogger. I’d love to make money with my words and interacting with like-minded people.
 I want to be a vlogger, a YouTuber for pagans. I’d be able to teach and share in ways I haven’t seen available (yet) on YouTube.
 I want to be a doula, maybe even a midwife if I had the patience for all the education required. I don’t do half-assed. If I’m going to be there for women in their time of need, I’m going to be the best at it (or at least the best that I can be).
 I want to code. I’m a rusty HTML programmer with vague memories of QBASIC in the back of my head, and I’d love to be able to write up a small program or an app for shits and giggles. I don’t even know where to begin, what language to use, or anything else like that.
 I want to get my spiritual shit together. My notes upon notes upon notes are piled neatly into a bin in my living room, haunting me with their reminder that I haven’t been a good little pagan. I want to write a book, but I want it to be different; I feel like our community needs something different.
I just snickered to myself as I looked at this list. My brain train went, “Oh, look! There are eight things! I could do one for each sabbat, or for time between Sabbat A and Sabbat B. Oh, but wait… could I write a book that fast? I could, but it’d be shit. And what about making a baby? Can’t force that into a schedule! Do I even want to be a vlogger? Crap… nevermind!”
Here I am, twenty-seven, and I don’t know which way to start walking.
To be fair, I’ve got bits and pieces of starts for many of these projects.
 I’ve rejoined my local coven, giving me access to training that will eventually lead to teachership.
 I’ve gotten off of birth control and currently pay the high price of too many years under the influence of fake hormones. I’m working on getting my body back into a fully-functioning state of womanhood.
 I’ve got ideas, and I’ve actually written them down. There are paragraphs here, an outline there. All that’s missing is an actual commitment to completing a story from start to finish.
 I’ve looked into blogging for pay. I’m not sure I have what it takes to write about the same stuff day in and day out without going bananas. Instead, I look toward guiding people to buy my stuff (books, Etsy goods, etc.) with my blog posts.
 I haven’t touched the YouTube idea. My acne flared up the minute I got off of birth control, and I haven’t had clear skin since. My pride says that’s a good enough reason to put off being on camera.
 I’ve done a bit of research on being a doula. I’m still undecided on this, largely because I have so many goals/plans going on right now that traveling anywhere for training is a bit much. Maybe later?
 I tried a couple of online code academies and got frustrated. I started with HTML, to test their teaching style. It was a joke! I’m currently ignoring this goal, but I think I might try a “For Dummies” book on one coding type or another; after all, that’s how I learned HTML in the first place!
 This idea of a pagan book is constantly percolating in the back of my mind. I have an outline, and I’ve actually written a few sections. I only touch it in bits and pieces, because I’m afraid of vomiting up the same 101 information without adding anything to it.
Looking at all of that, I guess I just feel lost because I lack strong focus. You know the kind, where you jump head first into a project and don’t come up for air until it’s done? I haven’t felt that in a LONG time, and I try not to push myself so hard that I lose interest.
I’ve also been in a funk. In 2013, I probably read fewer books than you have fingers. This year, I’ve read three: my partner’s first novel and two erotica novels. I don’t know what happened or why, but suddenly I’ve stopped being a reader and started being a lost girl. That said, a new e-reader and those two erotica novels are my first steps toward remedying my predicament. I’m trying to persuade myself to read at least one book a fortnight, a small number considering my previous habit of a book a day. The stories will be kindling for a dying fire of creativity within me, hopefully nurturing my creative spirit into a roaring fire once again.
Have you ever felt lost like this?