Change, aka molasses in a North Dakota winter

Change is hard. Period.

I’m trying to make changes in my life and choices, and it’s difficult to move away from easy excuses and lazy processes. In fact, I probably wouldn’t make any effort to change at all… if I didn’t feel like life is wasting away in work hours, TV binge hours, and sleep hours. I’m tired of the cycle, so I’m looking for more; more happens to require change.

And so, the cycle is broken. Slowly.

I’ve wanted to learn to code for years, but there’s always something else to do/watch/research online. I can’t hold myself accountable for a skill that holds no value in the self-learned setting. The change this blockage, I’ve signed up for a computer science degree focused on programming. When I later sign up for classes, I’ll force myself to follow through; I definitely don’t want to pay the school back for failing or dropping the course!

I’ve wanted to add some physical activity to my daily life, but there are legitimate reasons that I have difficulty doing so. My roommate can’t survive a physical education class again, so I can’t do something at school without making her sit there for a couple of mindless hours in the gym. Gyms are too expensive, and there’s always dinner and coven classes and such that need to be done on weeknights. Then there’s the heat and my asthma, which makes a walk around the park (or my block) very difficult and discouraging. Yet, I know there are work-arounds… if/when I’m willing to use them. I have bellydance and yoga DVDs, but I sit and watch Netflix reruns instead. I could do a small yoga routine before my morning shower, if I didn’t hit snooze three times. Small adjustments would create a big payout.

I’ve wanted to publish a fiction story, but I recognize fear when I feel it. I have various story ideas and old stories that could be rewritten or polished for publication. I’ve even convinced myself that publishing an ebook novella for free would be acceptable, because it’d give people a taste of my writing (and maybe get them interested in paying for future additions). But I don’t make time or effort to write, because I’m so tired of starting creative projects only to fail. I’m still looking for a way to change this particular problem.

I’ve wanted some things that I can’t fix. Like removing people from my life that aren’t compatible with who I am now (but I’d feel like a heel if I pushed them away). Or getting pregnant, which I have very little control over (outside of the obvious, like trying to eat healthy and have lots of sex). I accept that there are things I can’t change, even though they’re taking up a good spot on the back burner of my mind; I’ve learned to adjust to their existence without stressing over them.

The small tweaks in behavior I’ve been making and planning are slowly affecting my choices and causes changes. I see results, which makes me more engaged in my own processes (and, therefore, more effective in the first place!).


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