Ethics: Sex

This discussion and questions come from Chapter 7: Sex in When, Why… If by Robin Wood.

[Previous posts in this Ethics series are: Personal Ethics: an introduction, Ethics: Honesty, Ethics: Self, Ethics: Love, Ethics: Help, and Ethics: Harm.]

Introduction

Sex! Woohoo!

Sexuality is a complex topic. I personally believe that everyone lives on a four dimensional graph of possible sexual identities and preferences. In others words, there is no Type A, Type B, or Type C. We’re all different colors of humanity.

Rereading my answers to this chapter makes me giggle. I’ve redone them, though, to reflect the person I am now.

[1] My idea of perfect sex would be…

…love and fun! Why so serious?!

[2] My sexual bias is…

…complicated. Sex and love are very tied together for me, but gender doesn’t play a big role in that equation.

[3] My parent’s attitude about sex was… 

…prudish. They’re both very straight-laced, vanilla people. For their sake, I won’t go into any details; let’s just say that my mother and I discussed sexuality after I got married in my early adult years, and it’s the truth.

My dad hates homosexuality, or at least he did last I heard. I swung in the opposite direction, embracing equality and openness when I faced his closed judgement of others. My mom, on the other hand, has always said “whatever floats their boat” about the choices of others. She’s always been a good guide for me; I consider many of my personal ethics to have been directly molded by her attitudes.

[4] The part of sex I am most comfortable with is…

…kissing. Even when I was an inexperienced sexual noob, I enjoyed kissing. I’ve never felt lost or confused or intimidated by kissing. It’s also the most exciting lead-up activity for sex, in my personal opinion.

[5] The part of sex I am least comfortable with is…

…the first time with a new partner. I’m always afraid that they’ll be unimpressed, that the things I thought I did well before were just preferences of a previous partner (rather than generally-enjoyable activities for anyone). It’s intimidating to face a new person and not know what makes them tick.

[6] Sex is wrong when…

…anyone is coerced, forced, or under the influence. A drunk yes is still a no, in my book! Under-aged partners are a grey area, depending on age differences and laws; generally, I agree with the societal limits placed on these situations.

[7] Sex is right when…

…everyone is completely willing. Now, there are places and times where sex isn’t a good idea (i.e. at a playground, in the middle of the street, and so forth). Generally, though, these things are common sense.

[8] If I have sex with someone, it means…

…I love them and wanted to express it physically. I’ve never had sex with a stranger or someone I didn’t love; it’s always been friends or people who’d already entered into a relationship with me. There’s no such thing as a “friend zone” in my life, unless you mean the place I choose partners from!

That said, I don’t mean love as in commitment, devotion, and all that jazz. I mean my own definition of love: being happy when someone else is around me. So sex is an expression of that happiness. See [9] for more details.

[9] What makes sex a holy act?

I strongly believe that “all acts of love and pleasure are Her rituals”. Sex is an expression of love and joy, and I believe it pleases the gods when done without causing harm (see “Sex is wrong when…”). Sex can be used in magic, too, to raise some major energy; I don’t personally have the desire or focus to try anything like that right now, but it’s an intriguing subject to read about!

[10] Who benefits the most from sex?

Both parties (should) benefit from sex. It’s all about balance and fairness, in my book. Now, sometimes that means one person has an awesome time that morning, while the other gets some serious attention that night… but let’s not get too picky over the details.

Final Thoughts

Love and sex have been an area of personal growth for me these past few years. I went from being a monogamous straight girl to a polyamorous woman in the middle of a complex relationship web. I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Earlier today, though, it was funny to analyze myself and realize just how far from “normal” my life and relationships have shifted. If the Regulars in my life (coworkers, customers, etc.) caught a true glimpse of what I’ve got going on, they’d probably think I’d lost my mind. Again, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Who wants to be normal, anyway?

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