Unfocused paganism

I suffer from unfocused paganism.

It means that…

…I remember the moon will be full tomorrow night, and I want to celebrate it, but I don’t.

…I watch the seasons change and acknowledge it in my Self, but my altar remains untouched.

…I forget to top off my offering waters or light the daily incense more often than I remember.

…I feel the waves of spirituality move around me, but I’m stuck in the seaweed.

 

I miss having focus. I miss being aimed at a topic and shot forward with purpose, attaining knowledge the goal. I miss walking a spiritual path side-by-side with people at my own level, people as spiritual as myself or more so. I miss singing silly chants and the warmth their energies brought to open circles, even when we all forgot the words. I miss being challenged, having someone push me to be the best Me I could be.

Right now I let others influence me, because I like to see people happy. My Will is dragged down by listlessness, by inactivity, by exhaustion, by frustration. My Will to be Pagan (capital “P”) with all the bells and whistles is diminished by my willingness to bend to the whims of others.

I’ve walked so far into the woods that I can’t see where the path stopped being clear-cut instructions in books and started being moment-to-moment experiences. I don’t know how to walk a path like this without a guide, without someone equally lost and in awe.

Sometimes, I’m a lonely pagan. I have the gods, but they didn’t build me to dance a spiral dance alone. I’ve always longed for big family gatherings and laughter, food and loud music. I am not the quiet girl; sometimes I just forget to turn up the volume so you can hear me.

I’ve contemplated many options. It makes me tired and sad to admit that I can’t solve my own problem.

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5 thoughts on “Unfocused paganism

  1. I know how you feel in so many ways. I have a social anxiety disorder, so while I long for community and family on my path, I fear it as well. I acknowledge the world around me from a pagan perspective, but I feel I often lack the involvement community would bring into my life.

    Where I live though, community isn’t much of an option since there is only 1 coven that I know of in the area.

    I suppose that’s why I blog…seeking out a community I can feel with my heart, even if I can’t see it with my eyes. Luck and blessings as we both stumble along.

    • Thank you! I’m in a similar situation, since the only coven locally is one I left (on good terms). There’s an awkward space between myself and people I once called family, and I’m the main person who put it there.

      That’s why I run around commenting on other blogs, though. Online community is still community!

  2. I identify with your wish for kindred spirits, a large group of them. But I think awareness is a ritual in itself. Just being aware that the moon is full, being in sync with the turn of the seasons, feeling the wind, hearing its shush shush through the trees, delighting in birdsong and taking happiness in their flitter flutter, watching earthworms mate, feeling the enchantment of a bubbling brook, watching crystal water flow over stones, loving the stillness of winter, the silent snowfall, awaking with joy in the morning to the gift of another day, standing lost under a tall tree as you gaze upward into its highest branches, many many things such as these are simple acts of worship. Take comfort that all these things are there for you while you wait for what you seek.

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