I suffer from unfocused paganism.
It means that…
…I remember the moon will be full tomorrow night, and I want to celebrate it, but I don’t.
…I watch the seasons change and acknowledge it in my Self, but my altar remains untouched.
…I forget to top off my offering waters or light the daily incense more often than I remember.
…I feel the waves of spirituality move around me, but I’m stuck in the seaweed.
I miss having focus. I miss being aimed at a topic and shot forward with purpose, attaining knowledge the goal. I miss walking a spiritual path side-by-side with people at my own level, people as spiritual as myself or more so. I miss singing silly chants and the warmth their energies brought to open circles, even when we all forgot the words. I miss being challenged, having someone push me to be the best Me I could be.
Right now I let others influence me, because I like to see people happy. My Will is dragged down by listlessness, by inactivity, by exhaustion, by frustration. My Will to be Pagan (capital “P”) with all the bells and whistles is diminished by my willingness to bend to the whims of others.
I’ve walked so far into the woods that I can’t see where the path stopped being clear-cut instructions in books and started being moment-to-moment experiences. I don’t know how to walk a path like this without a guide, without someone equally lost and in awe.
Sometimes, I’m a lonely pagan. I have the gods, but they didn’t build me to dance a spiral dance alone. I’ve always longed for big family gatherings and laughter, food and loud music. I am not the quiet girl; sometimes I just forget to turn up the volume so you can hear me.
I’ve contemplated many options. It makes me tired and sad to admit that I can’t solve my own problem.