I’m human, and that means I’m also prone to being lame and breaking promises.
I’m depressed. There’s a laundry list of things that upset me, but really I’m just in a place in my head where a cute kitten video could set me off.
That said, I can’t stomach reading the news.
There’s too much hopelessness, lies, and general crappiness. I don’t have it in me to read it right now. I know there are a few neutral stories, and even some happy ones… but to get to them, you get to read through everything else.
I’m trying to fix my problems. I really am! I’ve seen the doctor for the physical ones, and I’m doing alright on my health goals like slowly losing weight. Emotionally, I’m working on communicating my needs and finding a way to meet them; unfortunately, that requires others to cooperate, so it’s harder than eating healthy or exercising.
I think largely I’m just overwhelmed right now. If you’ve ever suffered from depression, you’ll remember that urge to just sit or lay in bed every moment of the day. No reading, no TV, no games… just emptiness. That’s the crap I’m fighting against, and it’s hard. I have moments when I’m content, where I can continue from point A to point B (completing my work, eating my lunch, taking a shower, etc.). I can function just fine. But there are moments when I crash, rapidly and suddenly, and find myself full of tears.
Being a female, it’s frustrating. “No, I’m not PMSing.” “No, I’m not pregnant. Yes, I’m sure.” “No, it’s not just a female thing.” People everywhere suffer from depression, both males and females. I just happen to be female, that’s it.
The silver lining: I’m not, nor will I ever be, suicidal. Thanks to my Vulcan brain and natural tendencies to over-plan everything, I’m far more likely to run away to an aunt’s house in Washington state than I am to end my life. For me, running away is the logical reaction to not wanting the life you have anymore, NOT death.
I feel really lame. Thus, the blog post explaining my junk. I’ll try to patch myself together by next week, so I can hopefully return to my normal daily news posts.