I’m staring my future in the face.
In less than three weeks, I’ll be starting the next part of this life’s journey.
Motherhood. Evolution. Transformation.
Becoming a mother is something I’ve always wanted. Dream careers changed left and right, but I never stopped wanting children. I’d originally planned to start having children as early as my own mother did, around the age of 21. Being financially unstable, I shelved that idea and agreed with my mate that we’d start trying when I turned 25.
February 18, 2013 is my 26th birthday.
Last year, life was a big mix of change and growth. When my birthday arrived, I was just realizing my polyamorous-ness, while my mate had become a commercial licensed driver with one weekend a month at home. We mutually agreed to put off our family-making plans until further notice.
Then I got scared. Times are unsteady and hard for everyone, so even my minor stability seems unstable in a bigger-picture point of view. I was also secretly terrified I’d suck at being a mom. After all, I don’t like “other people’s brats”, and that’s become more and more of a statement I can apply to ALL children I run across; once upon a time, that opinion was reserved for special cases.
It took me most of 2012 to realize that I was scared of becoming something no one could prepare me for. Becoming a mother, it’s an irreversable change to one’s spirit and psyche. Take that step, and BAM! that’s it. You’re a mom, permanently. Your child can die, move out, get taken away. It doesn’t matter, you’ve still been transformed into a mom.
My previous miscarriage (of an unknown pregnancy) lingers in my mind. Sometimes, when I start to imagine pregnancy, I panic. What if my body rejects them all? What if I just keep miscarrying my babies? I have all this fear inside me that no amount of logic can quell.
A deep breath and a leap of faith later, and here I am. I made the decision that I’m ready, and I told my mate we’re trying for a baby after my birthday. He’s been so patient in waiting for *me* to be ready; he’s been ready since forever, but he saw that I needed time.
So here I am, watching the sunset of maidenhood. My body’s remembered how to ovulate again (after a couple years of birth control, it takes a few months). My doctor’s aware of my plans; she even suggested some dietary options for pre-prenatal care. We’re as financially stable as anyone can be in this economy. It’s time.