I’ve been seeking myself in the quiet for the last two months. I haven’t blogged or journaled. I haven’t had any deep philosophical and spiritual discussions on the meaning of life. I haven’t read anything new (or old) on my path, nor have I studied the path of another.
My life has been still.
I’ve contemplated my place in existence, my path, and my goals. I’ve thought over my ethics and morals, as well as where I got them. I’ve reviewed my actions, past and present, against the backdrop of spirituality. All of these intense, introspective thoughts have bounced around and around in my mind and heart. I’ve come to realize I don’t know myself.
I’ve left myself be two beings, separated by imaginary things.
One of them is a being based in who I believe myself to be. She’s the one who loves the color purple, because she always has (hasn’t she?). She’s the one who dives into Greek mythology and worship with a furvor and passion unmatched by any other. She’s the one who has the amazing ideas about places our spiritual path is taking us, and how much we’ve changed. She’s also the one who’s wrong.
The other being is me, the real me. She’s the one who recognizes a love for cool colors, regardless of shade. She’s the one who groks our connection to Wicca and what our spiritual path truly looks like ahead. She’s the one who accepts alternate views while maintaining a core foundation of spirituality that I didn’t think I had. She’s the me I’ve been speaking to in the stillness.
I’ve spent the last four years on a giant detour. I’ve played with labels, and paths, and styles of magic. I’ve studied subjects I never would’ve dreamed of studying when I started down my path in 1999. Vampirism, therianthropy, shamanism, Asatru, the Ordeal path, color therapy. I dove head first into a pagan tradition and coven hierarchy, only to climb out feeling a little jaded but changed for the better.
Now, it’s time to regroup.
I’m a Wiccan. I’m more flexible than a traditionalist, but I’m still Wiccan; in fact, you could say I’m a Standing Stones Wiccan, having grown up on the teachings of Scott Cunningham (and his Standing Stones tradition). I’m not a pagan with Wiccan tendencies. Not a witch with Wiccan flavor. I’m a Wiccan. People fight over that word, and it’s silly. If my beliefs and practices align with the beliefs and practices of Wicca, then I’m a Wiccan. (It’s just like Christianity. You can choose to read your Bible at home and avoid church, yet still be a Christian if you believe in God and Jesus and all that jazz.) No matter what path I wander off onto, I always end up back at Wicca.
That said, I’ve been working on a framework for my practice and worship. I’ve always been very impromptu and go-with-the-flowy, but I enjoyed the stability of coven practice enough to want my own SOP (Standard Operating Procedures) for rituals and spellwork. It’s a work in progress, because other Life Stuff has been a priority these past months (work, getting a new car, making baby plans). But as the solstice approaches and the beginning of a huge change is upon us, I feel the need to refocus and make a commitment to myself.
2013 is going to be a wild ride…